Letting Go and Liberation

The Decision to Discontinue the Pursuit of a Publisher

In my last blog, I expressed the quandary I was in about my novel; cut it to fit the requirements of current traditional publishers of contemporary women’s fiction or do it my way and alone. I concluded that I would do a tighter rewrite but wouldn’t alter my story. Therefore, I would self-publish if necessary.

Since I decided that, I have felt a rush of enthusiasm for my work. I feel invigorated, inspired, motivated, and most of all, liberated. All that, despite previously feeling like I’d had enough.

I believe the key to this change of heart was the decision to let go.

Originally, I had no interest in publishing my story. I just wanted to write it, improve on it, improve on it again, and print it for family and friends. The achievement was enough.

Somewhere over the eight years, though, mixing with other writers and published authors, I fell into the trap of wanting more. I wanted SUCCESS. As my manuscript got better, I hoped a well-respected publisher would tell me my work was good enough to put money on, that I was a good writer, that all my effort was worth it because my book would be loved.

To achieve this, I was willing to make adjustments until I reached the goal. Perfectionist traits spiked and fear of failure set in. My own value got more and more entangled in the process. The desire to succeed became a need.

It wasn’t until my last manuscript assessment that I realised what I was doing. I wasn’t just striving to make my book better; I was striving for recognition and approval.

As I went through the editor’s report, I decided what advice I agreed would improve the work and what was non-negotiable in my story. I saw how subjective it all was and how important it was to me to write how I liked. Suddenly, traditional publishing came second to what I thought was good. And my writing, I realised, had become good.

This self-recognition has allowed me to let go of the need for a traditional publisher’s affirmation. My harsh inner critic has taken a back seat too. I feel like I’ve been set free of shackles and I’m running my own race.

As per the professional advice I was given, I have rewritten the beginning of my novel. I decided to treat it as an experiment, something that was worth investigating but not so important I couldn’t throw it out. I was surprised by how well it turned out. I’m so happy with it, in fact, that I decided to send it to the agent who currently has my submission (has had it for almost three months). I’m not sure whether it was a good idea. But who knows? I won’t let the outcome constrain my work.

After all, it’s my new-found freedom that’s allowing my writing to flow.