Have you ever felt like life is a school that’s handing out too many tests? Like there’s too much homework to do and you just want to go out and play? I have! Right now! I’ve had enough!
Life isn’t bad! It’s a good school: the grounds are picturesque, and the building is comfortable. The food is healthy and classmates friendly.
But I feel like I’m running the same circuit and the tests, the hurdles, just get shifted around.
I want to run free. Cross-country.
I’m currently trying to end one stage of my life: that stage where I fell in love, got married, had children, raised them, then found that the air I shared with my husband had gone stale and didn’t sustain me, or him, anymore. Some people can keep that air fresh and invigorating. That wasn’t the case for me. The window was closed and I had to break the glass to jump free.
I want to start the next stage. The only thing is, I’m still not free. I’m still stuck in the grounds! I’ve been here for two and-a-quarter years, trying to scale the boundary walls and only getting part way.
The tests have been emotional, physical, psychological and legal. Sometimes they stand alone and sometimes they’re mixed together.
I’m not going to go into details until I’m well and truly out of, or in, the woods! I may be legally divorced now but the legal and financial proceedings go on.
What do I want to do when I get to go out and play?
You may be wondering: Do I want a new partner? No! (Unless I was offered Kevin Richardson, Lion Whisperer.) Do I want to travel to obscure places that no partner would want to go? No! (Unless you call the Australian Outback and country towns, obscure.) Do I want to be a cougar? I’m too old! And No, anyway!
I just want to be me! I want to follow any path that intrigues me. I want to learn new tricks. Make discoveries. Achieve greatness in my own mind!
I want to be free to make decisions for myself, learn new skills and make each day count towards a fulfilling life.
The most fulfilling thing I could do right now is write, every day, towards completing my novel. The story and three characters consume most of my good thoughts. Those thoughts make me happy, even when I’m struggling! Those thoughts are play! (The other good thoughts are privately to do with Kevin Richardson)
So, Life! Here’s a plea. Can we get the tests over with? Can we say, enough with the homework, go out and play?
Go! Run! Be free! Yehargh!
Disclaimer: I apologise if Kevin Richardson is married! I haven’t actually stalked him to find out! 😉
Carla Simmons Writer 
Great read. I can relate to this totally. I feel trapped with my emotions it’s like I have been put into detention and cant get out.I seem to to 2 steps forward and one backward. My body and soul have been battered I keep asking myself why am I letting this happen to me why is one person having such a profound impact on my wellbeing.
I look around and see people suffering and in greater difficult situations than mine and I try and put some perspective on life but still my inner turmoil continues.
People encourage me to be strong and by God it is taking alot energy to draw on. I know that in time I will be okay and life will take a new path and God willing I will find happiness and fulfillment. Just thought I would like to share this with you to acknowledge we are both going through the emotions together feeling the same pain and frustration. Xxxx
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Yep, we’ll get there!
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It’s a journey with a crooked path, but the view at the end is worth it!
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Hang in there, Carla, and keep writing.
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Life can be cruel yet be enormously fulfilling in many ways. I’m going through my struggles but my friends and interests are keeping up my energy each day. Hang in there.
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I understand and empathise completely. I’m exactly ten years past where you are now and I remember the feelings. But I handled it much more immaturely and less wisely than you are. I entered relationships that sent me down a couple of wrong paths so had more “endings” and “lessons”. It has taken me this long to feel that not having a partner is not some sort of failure.
Like you I’m extraordinarily grateful for amazing friends that challenge me in the best way and for loving family who I know will be there no matter what.
One thing for sure: every day along this journey you are one step closer to contentment. See you soon.
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